The Mars that waged war on lunch

It’s hard not to be amused when you discover that Mars is trying to distance its iconic snack bar from the deep fried version that has taken on equally iconic culinary status in Scotland.

‘Eek!’ said those Mars people. ‘Our bar with a vague hint of chocolate and absolutely lashings of sugar and fat is part of a healthy lifestyle – not at all like that deep-fried abomination.’

The Other Half looked up as I was rolling around on the floor in hysterics at this, and pointed out: ‘A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play.’

At 260kcals per 58g bar, we girls can eat 7.69 of those lovelies every day without breaking the recommended 2,000kcals per day figure (if you do that sort of thing).

In the same bar, 34.6g sugars – 38% of your daily total – there’s 9.9% fat (of which 4.8 saturates, plus 0.23g salt (4% of your daily allowance).

Frankly, I’m not sure that the deep-fried version wouldn’t be an improvement on the original. But then perhaps that's just my response to so much British confectionary.

You probably have to be in need of an absolutely vast sugar boost to appreciate a Mars bar – the sort of boost where an overload of sickly sweetness is a price worth paying.

So in the interests of science, when I developed just such an – exceptionally rare – need this morning, I went downstairs and bought one.

It goes down easily enough – although it sticks to the roof of your mouth and your teeth – and then seems to cling to the base of your guts for hours after.

Then I looked up the ingredients on the Ocado website:

“Sugar, Glucose Syrup, Skimmed Milk Powder, Cocoa Butter, Cocoa Mass, Sunflower Oil, Lactose, Milk Fat, Vegetable Fat, Whey Powder, Fat Reduced Cocoa, Barley Malt Extract, Emulsifier (Soya Lecithin), Salt, Egg White Powder, Hydrolysed Milk Protein, Natural Vanilla Extract, Milk Chocolate contains Milk Solids 14% minimum, Milk Chocolate contains Vegetable Fats in addition to Cocoa Butter.”

It’s apparently kosher, suitable for veggies and may contain peanuts.

So there.

It made it seem even more hilarious, though, that deep frying is regarded with such horror by the Mars people.

Still, it left me with absolutely no inclination for any lunch, thus possibly saving me at least a few calories. Perhaps that’s why Mars think it’s part of a healthy diet/lifestyle?

I'll say this, though: for whatever reason, I didn't stop feeling queasy to close on 7pm.